Thursday, August 20, 2009

Chapter One: In Which We Take Aunt Becky to Dollywood

Preface: See it all started when I became concerned that I would end up like those moms (you know the ones) who can only send pictures of their babies and put their Facebook Status as "the baby is finally asleep." I am sure that having a baby does change everything but hopefully it won't change me into a robot, zombie, diaper changer. So in my quest for moms who rock. I found Aunt Becky, and the first thing I found when I got there was this.

Chapter One: In Which We Take Aunt Becky to Dollywood

They say you can't take Aunt Becky anywhere. But if you were going to take her somewhere it would be here. Dolly doesn't judge.

We started out leaving town and I had to take a picture of the Sunsphere because it is slightly phallic and has wigs in it.
Getting to Dollywood is an ordeal because it is in Pigeon Forge. If you ever go to Pigeon Forge you will see a lot of old people. That is because they have been stuck in traffic since 1986.
I got bored in traffic and had the camera out.
So here is me, trying to undouble the chin by angling my shot (it only made it worse, it only ever makes it worse),
and here is Chris wondering why we are taking business cards on a trip and if his wife is off her meds (answer: yes).

Yay! It's too late now. We spent money! I must say I like how Dolly puts her picture on everything. I might start putting my picture on everything.

Okay, so we tried to take a picture of ourselves and I can tell what I was thinking. I was thinking, "Chris is so tall. I will have to look up to be in the picture." Don't judge me.

Luckily one of Dolly's illegal immigrant photographers so good they must be imported took pity on us and took our picture.
The first thing we did was take the train that goes around Dollywood and into the Smokies. Dolly cares a lot about the Smokies and protecting them for the future, which is why she has a train that burns 5 tons of coal and 5,000 gallons of water a day. Don't worry I am drafting my letter.

The best thing about the train was the woman giving a baby (since I don't have a baby I cannot speculate the baby's age but let's say this baby could sort of stand up and maybe walk if holding something) a diet coke. Now I will cut a bitch for a diet coke but I am pretty sure if you aren't supposed to have one when you are pregnant that you should not be giving it directly to the baby.
Then we were hot so we went on a log ride. This was really the only ride all day wear I could take a picture without fear of death, at least for the camera.

So it turns out that Dolly loves the eagles - no, not those Eagles although I bet she loves those too.
That is a real eagle. It creeped me out because it looks plastic.

OMG, eagles just pick up any kind of crap for their nests.

Chris made his only request of the day. (Well, besides don't spend too much money and don't eat 10 funnel cakes and then cry about how you are fat.) He wanted to see the eagle show. I have a picture of an eagle in the show but I like owls and this is my blog.

After the show it was time to hit the good rides. It was 100 thousand degrees (on the Jen scale) so there weren't a lot of people or long lines. Here we are in line. I look happy, I must have just had a snack.

Here we scope out the view. That is the newest ride that is sort of like the Space Needle on steroids.

There is a lot of weird crap in Dollywood.

Chris was excited that the coffin was long enough. I went ahead and bought it.

This was some sort of moonshine device. Dolly seems to support the shine. It makes me wonder if she knew Popcorn.

Finally, we went to see Sha-Kon-O-Hey which is the current big production about living in the Mountains at the time the park was created. In was really good. I think most people can agree that Dollywood puts on a good show. I admit I teared up a little when Grandma decided she wasn't gonna move out West.

And of course what trip to an amusement park would be complete without strategic product placement.


Aunt Becky said...

Effing brilliant! I'm soooo jealous I couldn't really be there.

Jennifer said...

Hey Jen- I just started my blog too (also faithfully stalk, er read Aunt Becky's blog, and I had to laugh when I read your "about me" stuff... I wanted to be an astronaut/zookeeper, but now I'm a salsa-dancing stay-at-home-for-now mom of 2. Interesting how it all works out, huh? Loved the trip to Dollywood. Rock on. :)

ZDub said...

This. Is. Sheer. Brillance.

I have always wanted to go to Dollywood!

My name is Andy. said...

Great post!!!! I might have to start (stalking) following you now!

You can get a reference from Aunt Becky for me.. I'm not too scary.

Beautiful Mess said...

Dollywood?! Damn! ya'll had fun! I'm so jealous! That's it, I'm making business cards and sending them out to random

Inna said...

I'm also another Aunt Becky stalker. Your post was hilarious! I loved it! :)

The Life of Mel said...


That is all I can say this early in the morning.

Jen said...

Did you go vote?