This is my new life philosophy

It is no secret that I like to say "bitches".

Well, I just saw an item for sale by regretsy (which is where DIY meets WTF). I NEED this. If you, like me, plan 7 months ahead for all birthdays then you should go ahead and buy this for me today.

Namaste, Bitches - t-shirt on regretsy

I farted during Yoga

I tried to think of a better title but there isn't one. That's what happened and that's the best way to say it.

We were doing boat pose. Now I am only about 1/2 way there on boat pose. I can't let go of my knees. Even though I don't think holding them is doing anything, it is just psychological. So there I was in boat pose thinking about letting go of my knees and TOOT!

It was a serious toot, more like a honk actually. Very gooselike. I had been sniffling all night so for second I hoped everyone would think it was a sound I made with my sinuses. No one said anything. I didn't say anything. I usually don't say excuse me because usually there is no one around. I am a toot in private kind of lady. Or my husband is there but if it just us and someone farts we both immediately say "kitty?".

By virtue of being late Chris and I were separated by two mats, I hoped this meant he was our of earshot because I would never live this down.

So fart thoroughly dismissed we went about the rest of class. I swear to you it was like the instructor dared himself to make it happen again. Every pose we did put pressure on lower stomach. I have expected him to say this is the downward colon evacuater, good for detoxifying and passing gas.

I made it the rest of the class silently, but after class when Chris said, "It was you, wasn't it?" I said yes, and I am going to blog about it.

Retail therapy this is not

So my great love of all things shopping does not apply to houses and/or mortgages.

Every time we come back from meeting our agent someone asks if we found a house. We have only looked at two! Plus when we do find a house there is a process. We will not come home and say, "We are back. We bought a house, can you help Chris get it out of the trunk."

I would not be so cranky if I wasn't sick. I just want someone to come in and say, "Here is your house. It is exactly what you wanted. Just sign this mortgage application and you are good to go."

My bra is good for a lot of things

So yesterday some really bored 15 year old girl wanted a way to tell the cute boys in her class that she had just gotten her first sexy bra. I bet it was light pink and black lace trimmed. Anyway, she posted it on her face booked status like so

Slutty McSlutterton light pink and black lace trimmed

How does one get away with this? By sending an e-mail telling all your girlfriends to also post the color of their bra as their status and to not tell any guys what it is about (so coy, the little ones). Why would the friends agree to do this? Because it is for breast cancer awareness of course! My friend Slutty, she is the smart one too.

What annoyed me about this whole thing is that it caught on like a California wild fire. Why do my grown and knowledgeable about how the world works friends think posting a color would do anything to help the fight against breast cancer? It doesn't. Maybe there are people out there wearing bras who don't realize that they have breasts and are thus affected by breast cancer but I seriously doubt that.

What would really help the fight against breast cancer? If everyone of those women made themselves an annual gyno/mammogram appointment and got a friend to make one too.

Or if every woman who shared her bra color with the world donated the cost of that bra to

Susan G Komen

American Cancer Society

Avon Cancer Charities

Lee Jeans Cancer Charities

or a number of worthwhile charities. Last year my friends raised over $2500 for breast cancer charities so you and your red bra can go suck it.

So help me spread the word and the next time one of your friends asks you to repost something to save a puppy ask them how that works, and offer this suggestion - go to the pound and save a fucking puppy!

Update: This was so riveting that Washington Post weighed in

Happy New Year!

Let's be honest about New Years' Resolutions

If you couldn't quit smoking in 2009 then you aren't going to quit smoking in 2010.

I am not going to work out more. Maybe a tiny bit more, but not because it is a resolution but because as I get into better shape it becomes easier and it makes me feel good.

I am going to start blogging more (you've heard that before haven't you) and I think I will. Not because it is a new year but because we have moved and now I am here in my office where I am the IT department and I can do whatever I want.

I got mad skillz

Just yesterday my friend, P, asked my advice and I told her what to say, like I always do. P pointed out that I always know what to say in any situation. Whether you want to be passive aggressive, mean, funny, make someone feel better, lie, be critical but not hurt their feelings. I realized that she is right. I do always know the best thing to say.

Then Laurie asked everyone today what their skill was, and how were they average. I am telling you what I told her.

I always know they right thing to say and I can come up with best plans/schemes/scenarios for any situation. I see all the paths. It also helps when say the boss wants a sudden unexpected meeting - I can run the scenarios and come up every good reason for this meeting and I am thus prepared.
This same skill kept me out of trouble when I was a teenager. I knew how to run the game. It was very Ocean's 11 just so I could stay out all night with a pack of friends and not be in trouble - it's my skill. I felt mad smart.

Then I went to college. There is no scheming in Organic Chemistry - you have to actually work really hard and memorize. Turns out I am not as smart as everyone thinks. I do also have a good memory but I am lazy so I would have had to read the stuff to actually memorize it.

In HR and any business and I can put my planning and sweet talking to work for me. I think a lot of times people fall to where their skills lie as opposed to what interests them.

Science still interests me, but its not what I love. Bellydance is what I love and I do that too. It just doesn't pay the bills.

What mad skillz were you born with?